United Coalition of Squirrels: July 2008

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

*krrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrk* mayday! *krrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrk* mayday mr squir.....*krrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrk*weve lost *kkkkkkrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrk* of our *krrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrk* a plantation in florida! they trusted and ol' *krrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrk* and i *krrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrk* theyre poisoned. and theres also *krrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrk*
....akes! *krrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrk*

News Flash - UPDATES

It's been a busy day here at HQ. While we await word from Maximum Damage on the amount of Maximum Damage that was done in the Southwest this morning, our email and phone lines have been flooded with well wishes and news from the trenches:

I'm safe HQ! Fucken dog treed me again.

El-O Mates! We're with you in body and spirit. Keep a stiff upper lip!

Thank God you arrived! We've been stuck up a tree for months by Ivan and his Axis of Evil. Don't believe them! We want you here. Don't leave.

My laser eyes will destroy the enemy! Point me at the dog.

I doubt I could pass the physical, but sign me up! I want to be Fighting Squirrel.

We are committed . We are strong.

We are Squirrels.

Lt. Maximum Damage reporting in!

I've returned with an army of plastic fire breathing godzillas. they are impervious to peanut butter bribes, scantily clad pirates whales and shoemarms, there deadly male blogger consorts, and traps. Sadly, i have received word that almost ALL of the norway rats have sacrificed their lives in the squirrel traps so that we can continue the battle.

will meet Mr. Squirrel, the poet laura and other friendlies at checkpoint betty at 0 6:00

USSF.107a
Lt.MD/cc:MDC

i love the smell of nut-bombs in the morning

When I give you the word, together we will cross the Line of Departure, Moi's property line, close with those doggerel forces that choose to fight, and destroy them. Our fight is not with the squirrel loving people, nor is it with members of the various other animals who choose to surrender. While we will move swiftly and aggressively against those who resist, we will treat all others with decency, demonstrating chivalry and soldierly compassion for the creatures who have endured a lifetime under Ivan's oppression.

Chemical attack, treachery, and use of the innocent as human shields can be expected, as can other unethical tactics. Take it all in stride. Be the hunter, not the hunted: Never allow your unit to be caught with its guard down. Use good judgment and act in the best interests of our nation.

You are part of the world's most feared and trusted force. Engage your brain before you engage your weapon. Share your courage with each other as we enter the uncertain terrain north of Ivan's area. Keep faith in your comrades on your left and right and Squirrel Force overhead. Fight with a happy heart and strong spirit.

"For the mission's sake, our country's sake, and the sake of the squirrels who carried the Division's colors in past battles--who fought for life and never lost their nerve--carry out your mission and keep your honor clean. Demonstrate to the world there is "No Better Friend, No Worse Enemy" than a fighting member of the USSF.

hoo -rah!

Monday, July 21, 2008

Breaking News!

We are sorry to report that at 0200 hours today on a lonely road in Texas, one of our Tall Texas Comrades fell. This brave Squirrel gave his life for his people and we salute him. This will not stop us! We are united!

"because it is judgement that defeats us"

Have you ever thought about any real freedoms? Freedom from the opinions of others...even from the opinions of yourself? the freedom to ACT!

I've seen horrors … horrors that you've seen. But you have no right to call me a murderer. You have a right to kill me. You have a right to do that … but you have no right to judge me. It's impossible for words to describe what is necessary to those who do not know what horror means. Horror. Horror has a face …and that face is IVAN's!

I remember when I was with Special Forces. Seems a thousand centuries ago. We went into a camp to inoculate the children. We left the camp after we had inoculated the children for Polio, and this old squirrel came running after us, and he was crying. He couldn't see. We went back there, and they had come and hacked off every paw. There they were in a pile. A pile of little paws.

And I remember … I … I … I cried. I wept like some bunny rabbit. I wanted to tear my teeth out. I didn't know what I wanted to do. And I want to remember it. I never want to forget it. I never want to forget. And then I realized … like I was shot … like I was shot with a diamond … a diamond bullet right through my forehead. And I thought: My God … the genius of that. The genius. The will to do that. Perfect, genuine, complete, crystalline, pure. And then I realized they were stronger than we. Because they could stand that these were not monsters. These were men … trained cadres. These rodents who fought with their hearts, who had families, who had children, who were filled with love … but they had the strength … the strength … to do that. If I had ten divisions of those squirrels, then our troubles here would be over very quickly. You have to have fur bearin soldiers who are moral … and at the same time who are able to utilize their primordial instincts to kill without feeling … without passion … without judgment … without judgment. Because it's judgment that defeats us.